While hair braiding for the black culture has survived for centuries across Africa it once again gained popularity for African Americans in the 1960’s and 70’s. The advice offered here is not intended for this audience. I’ve never once seen an African American getting their hair braided on a beach. And even if I did they would look just fine.

So, listen up, if you are on vacation in the Caribbean, over the age of ten and white you should never, ever accept the offer of one of the persistent local women to get your hair braided. I know, I know you want some proof for when you go back home to Tulsa that you were on a tropical vacation, but can’t you just let that horrible sunburn that makes you look like an embarrassed oompa-loo do that for you?

Hair braiding for Caucasian people came into popularity in 1979 shortly after the release of the movie “10” starring Bo Derek. It quickly departed as a fad for most people when they realized that their status was closer to a five or a six.

Maybe it’s the heat and humidity of the tropics, maybe it’s the beaches, maybe it’s the Long Island Ice Teas by the yard at Senor Frogs. I’m not sure what it is, but for some the thinking brain also goes on vacation, and far too many otherwise smart people succumb to the siren cries of the Caribbean hair braiders.

Grandma Hip Hop

And it’s not just the women who succumb; by far some of the worst offenders are men. Because men have many more options than just their head, they’ve got: facial hair, chest hair and dare I say leg hair that is ripe for the braid.

Chest Braids

Mustache Mess

Let’s be honest it’s not a good look. Even if you squint real hard when you look in the mirror, or don that gauzy white dress with the off the shoulder sleeves, or forgo the bang braids. You cannot pull it off.

Exposing wide expanses of virgin white scalp skin is not only unflattering it leads to extremely painful sunburns because you never think of putting sunscreen on your scalp. Which is then exacerbated by the taunt constant pull of the braid. So now, not only are you less attractive, you’re in pain.

Sleeping Beauty

And the pain doesn’t end there. You’ll return home and endure the never-ending refrain of “Oh, I see you got your hair braided”, (an observation is not a compliment) until the time comes for you to come back to reality and call your vacation officially over. Like childbirth you might have forgotten the pain that was caused by your hair being pulled into tight rows that can withstand weeks of sleeping, showering and scratching. But it will quickly be brought to the forefront when you try and take those suckers out.

A close friend of mine who did not heed this advice had to enlist the help of her husband and thirteen year old daughter to take out the remnants of her tropical vacation. It took almost three hours and produced close to two liters of tears for the job to be called complete. What a horrible final memory of an otherwise fabulous vacation.

So, the next time you find yourself in a tropical location and hear the call of the braider. Say, “hell no” and go get yourself a tattoo. That’s what you really wanted anyway.